it's amazing how much difference one little month can make, especially when you start a new career and also elope in a park and also all your roommates move out and also the spring time weather kicks out your seasonal depression and also you start drinking enough water for maybe the first time in your life.

just one little month :3

work is taking up more of my time than it ever has before, but now that I've adjusted a bit it's also taking up less of my energy than ever.
the adjustment is, of course, ongoing. i have never taken well to change, especially in my daily routines. the discomfort is pervasive, deep rooted, slow to shift. my energy comes slowly. my moods come fast. im anxious, then angry, then ecstatic, but mostly i am tired. i watch the birds outside my window and sigh wistfully, imagining im a victorian woman who's been sent out to the sea for her health. i go to bed early. i sit on the deck and watch birds fly overhead.

the rules at my new work surrounding conflict of interest, confidentiality, nondisclosure, rattle through my head and do not stick, and i decide simply not to list the details at all. better to be safe than sorry. i have always played it safe. but it is not a risk to say that the computer trainings are extensive, that i have barely begun to shadow. a tiny woman on a large monitor talks to me about work-life balance and taking care of ourselves. we must, she tells me, protect ourselves from the toll of our work. what vacation plans do you have, she asks me? are they longer than five consecutive days? they should be.
i cannot remember the last time i gave myself five consecutive days off. it sounds like a dream. a figment. i wonder if perhaps i am supported here.

i throw myself into making friends. i write names down in my little notebook. i practice sounding chipper, and hope i do not look like i am drowning. i feel, admittedly, much less like i am drowning than i had expected to. i stop feeling quite so overwhelmed. i read a book about mental health and learn about myself. i start to learn which jewelry and cute shirts i cannot stand to wear all day. i go to a yoga class in the evening and, for the first time, have the energy to not just do but enjoy downward dog.

i'd been excited to have a desk plant. my office does not allow live plants, so i pick up some yarn to crochet my own imitation. i try out different patterns on my breaks, stick my yarn ball in my bag during lunch and make leaves while i walk. the neighborhood is beautiful. im determined to walk every day. so far i am succeeding.

i take extensive notes, and try not to care how legible they are. i love to write in cyphers. i love to craft runes. secretly i hope i will be asked about them, and have a chance to explain at length.

i do love to explain things at great length.

once i've used up most of my green yarn, i grab a new ball in beautiful gradients, and embark on crafting one long vine. the green ones will get coiled up, eventually, woven through with wire and put in small pots. they can sit on a shelf and look alive. the vine, the garland, will drape about, simple and lovely. i hope it will be lovely. i think it might.

here's the pattern i'm using for these particular leaves, with a slightly bastardized foundation stitch for the stems

rediscovering crochet has me remembering crochet (imagine that!), old projects stuffed in baskets. i've worked on this blanket for years, a collection of samples, experimenting with stitches. eventually, i've told myself, it'll all get pieced together into one big blanket. some day. i stalled out at that point about a year ago, daunted by the task of arranging them all. this month i decided to dive back in -- if i'm not up for designing it i simply won't. i've pulled squares out of the basket at random, and pieced them in wherever they fit. my artistic pursuits have all crowded into the edges of my days. ten minutes most mornings, before i leave for work. a half hour in the evening, between bites of soup, sprawled out across the coffee table in front of the tv. my back doesn't like this, but it's holding up better than expected to the rest of these changes, and i do my best to care for it now when it does put up a fuss.

and sometimes, when a training video drags too long and it's all i can do to keep my eyes open, i make mazes and celtic knots. turning the dot grid in my notebook to a higher purpose. old geometries, strange and lovely. i'm thinking a lot about how i go about solving mazes, and what i can do to make that more difficult. developing skills around redirection and subversion. wobbly lines. clean edges.

feel free to print them out if you'd like. tell me which ones were the most difficult.

and life, love, home. my partner and i eloped, on the one year anniversary of our engagement, of the six year anniversary of our first date. we did it as small as we legally could and then ran around taking photos and treated everyone to dinner. it was the loveliest thing i could imagine.

for the first time since moving in together, we have the house to ourselves. everyone else is moving on to better things. we're giddy, thrilled to be alone, thrilled to redecorate the spaces that have opened up to us, thrilled to enter the next chapter of our lives. the lilacs are blooming. the sun is warm. i am in love, and i am creating, and my days are full to bursting, and i am learning how to decide what sort of life i want.

i'm looking forward to May.